A Monumental Day....Silenced Again
Yesterday, June 26, 2015 - The Supreme Court of the United States ruled that same sex couples can legally marry. Nationwide! A statement made by one of the justices:
"No union is more profound than marriage, for it embodies the highest ideals of love, fidelity, devotion, sacrifice and family," Kennedy wrote. "In forming a marital union, two people become something greater than they once were."
Facebook: Facebook lit up yesterday with profile pictures changing to rainbows. People were posting left and right about it....pro and con. One of my neighbors posted the following:
So you are gay? That's cool, I'm straight, that doesn't mean I need to go around flashing it all over social media does it? Look I do not oppose gays or gay marriage but why does it deserve any more attention than being straight? Sorry just me being out spoken again. Btw sorry if this offends any of my gay or lesbian friends, just trying to make a point.
The irony of it all......she just flashed her "straightness" over social media! The very thing she said she shouldn't be doing! Which I gladly pointed out to her.
Silenced again: My daughter came home from being at her friend's house all day to see that I had changed my facebook profile picture to reflect a rainbow in support of the supreme court decision and saw what I had said on my neighbor's post. She lost it. She started crying. "Oh mom! I bet you were jumping for joy when you heard the news!" (said in a very sarcastic voice). "Why does everything you do have to be in anger? Why do you have to share your opinion with EVERYONE? Why can't you just keep your opinion to yourself? Why can't you just be a normal mom? All you care about is hating the church. It's all you ever spend your time on! Why can't you have a conversation that doesn't end up relating to the church?" Then she stormed off to her room so we couldn't talk about this temper tantrum she had just thrown.
She wants her Mormon mommy back. She wants everything to go back to how it used to be. Peace, love, harmony.....depression....divorce....She wants the old ME back. She just wants me to be QUIET!
The old ME
- Opinion free (I let the church determine every opinion I needed to have) .
- Cause-less (I let the church fight causes for me).
- Uncaring (I let the church care for the poor and needy for me).
- Quiet (The church could be loud if it needed to be - I certainly didn't need to be loud).
- Fully Clothed (The church determined how much skin I would show).
- Stay at home mom (The church told me to stay at home to nurture my kids).
- Depressed (I was a very depressed stay at home mom because I was not naturally a nurturer and could not fit the mold the church expected).
- Almost Divorced (Before I left the church I asked my husband for a divorce for the very last time. I was done. He had not provided for the family for the last time. I could "not" provide for the family just as well as him).
I was a wreck in the church. I might have appeared "put together" and "at peace" but I was always just about a half step away from losing my shiz.
The new ME
- Full of my very own, well thought out, opinions.
- Willing to fight for causes that are important to me.
- Open eyes to be able to SEE the poor and the needy and actually help them, myself!
- Not always fully clothed. I let the weather, not the church, determine what clothes I will wear and what skin will be exposed. I do not prescribe to a notion that I am "immodest" if my shorts are above my knee or my sleeves are closer to my neck than my elbow.
- Working Mom - I have finally realized that I am not a happy nor fulfilled person staying home all day. It is extremely boring to me. I don't want to make crafts all day or keep an immaculate house. That means nothing to me. Going to work, stimulating what brain cells I have left, has been amazing for me. I'm getting my brain back. I'm having good ideas again. I'm making changes. I'm improving processes. Work brings me happiness. Staying at home - (when the kids are away at school all day???) - was not for me. Some women might find complete fulfillment in that....and more power to them! But we have to realize we are not all the same. We can't all make our unique selves fit into the same mold.
- Happy! I haven't been depressed since I left the church. That's not to say I don't get sad or mad or have emotions. I still do. But I am generally a much happier person now! I get to make my very own decisions, I get to choose my destiny. I am a person now....not another cog in the pioneer wagon wheel - pushing along the same cookie cutter person.
- Not Divorced - while I can't guarantee this won't happen - at least leaving the church helped me focus more on my family. I was always so angry that my husband couldn't provide financially for the family - because that's what the church told us he needed to do. What I had forgotten was that 22 - almost 23 years ago - when we got married - before the church had a "proclamation" telling us who should work and who shouldn't - my husband and I had decided, together, that he would be the artist and I would have a sensible job. We had always planned on ME being the provider....NOT him. He is naturally an awesome nurturer. He likes doing things for the kids. He likes feeding them and taking care of their needs. THAT does NOT come naturally to me....for whatever reason. Initially - we had decided that he would stay home and pursue his music while I got the great job that provided for the family. Three years after we were married and after we had our degrees - the church told us in the proclamation to the family that I needed to stay home with my kids and my husband needed to work. Problem - he wasn't prepared for that - he hadn't gotten a degree that would allow him to get a normal job. For the rest of our lives we struggled financially. He couldn't keep a job more than about a year. We moved 18 times in 18 years. I stayed home and had babies. I wasn't mentally prepared for that. I became a depressed, mean, yelling mom. The kind you see in the movies. Laying on the couch all day, neglecting my kids....sleeping instead of feeding them. Sleeping instead of playing with them. Sleeping instead of teaching them. Crying. A lot. Except for Sundays. Sundays I had my shiz all together. I was super woman on Sundays. Went to church - did my "duty to God" and all. This expectation the church gave us - for moms to stay at home and be happy and dads to go to work and be breadwinners....I believe that ruined my relationship with my husband. I have a very hard time loving him because of all the years I resented him for not "providing" for the family like the church said he was supposed to. The church promised us blessings for following the proclamation. I couldn't see ANY. Leaving the church allowed me to TRY to find love for him again. He has lost almost all that I fell in love with him for - so it is not easy to even know why I fell in love with him in the first place. But for that - I blame the church - and not him any more. And my daughter should be extremely happy that I left - for that one reason alone. That I did not divorce my husband. That I am willing to try to love him again - without the church telling me who he should or shouldn't be.
"In forming a marital union, two people become something greater than they once were"
Amazing words. If nothing else comes out of yesterday's decision - at least I saw that quote. We get married to help each other become something greater than we once were! And here I thought we get married to hold each other down - and back. I've got a lot to learn. And put into practice.
Silenced:
While I will not be silenced....I will take my daughter's words into account. She wants her mom back. I want to be her mom. I want to spend my time with her - because my time with her is limited. She'll be gone and out of the house before I know it. I can be not as loud for her. But life isn't all roses and puppies. I wish it was. Teens need to be prepared to LIVE in the world. If all they come out of the "home" life with - is the ability to read the scriptures and go to church - then I have failed as a mom. My job as a mom is to prepare my kids to be moral, upstanding citizens of the world. If I have taught them to care for their neighbor, to help the needy, to fight for what is right, to love unconditionally then I have succeeded. If they come out of their teens only knowing how to follow blindly and question nothing....I have failed, indeed.
